Ezer-Kenegdo

I’ve wrestled and fought to understand why my life has panned out as it has. I’ve tried to change it and i’ve tried to ignore it by drowning my sorrows away with a bottle of tears. 

There is no cut and dry answer here. No solution to this math problem. 

Over the past four years i’ve given up everything. EVERYTHING. Relationships, worldly possessions, dreams, hopes, fears, life, death. 

I’ve always thought that if you gave up everything to God he would return the favor and give you more than you’ve ever thought possible.  

Well…here i am and i still have nothing.                                                                  

Correction i have nothing by way of what i thought i would have at age 25 almost 26. Honestly I’m not sure what i thought my life would look like but i know it wasn’t this. 

Here is the place that i have made my home. In a bed full of sorrows, fears, unanswered prayers, doubts, lost dreams and broken hearts. 

Sounds pretty pitiful right. More like the most pitiful pitty party you have ever seen. 

I am so thankful for amazing friends and family. These are the people who have fought for me in prayer and love. They have not been afraid to point out my faults and tell me that i reek of sorrowful stench and regret. 

One evening not that long ago after a very long run i decided to nurse my wounds with a bottle of white wine and a hot bath. Need less to say i spent the rest of the evening hugging the porcelain throne. The next morning i reeked of more than just sorrowful regrets. As i spent the next hour scrubbing every inch of my bathroom to remove any hint of the happenings of the night before i felt the love of God so tenderly kneeling beside me helping me scrub my bathroom clean.

At that very moment i came to the very real conclusion that my life will never look the way i thought it would when sixteen year old me made a dream board of how my future would pan out just perfectly.      

I am okay with this, more than okay.

Why? Because i would rather be where i am in this moment in time, single and completely enamored with the love of Christ. I’d rather be here than anywhere else. It doesn’t matter where i live or where i work, as long as i have this relationship with him than that is enough for me, in fact sometimes its more than i can handle. 

After all my running and stumbling and fighting i have now come to a posture of surrender. Complete and utter surrender to you. Do with my life whatever you will God and i will praise you in the midst of every circumstance no matter how lonely, or sleepless, or heartbreaking they may be.

You are worth it all.

Because whether you believe that God really exists or not wouldn’t you rather live your life for him than for yourself?